>Blog Share: What I Didn’t Know

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Today’s post comes from an anonymous guest poster.

More than several years ago now, I was a single gal. I tried to be lots of different types of single gals, sometime resulting in me being someone I wasn’t. When a young man (an adult, but young enough compared to me to seem inappropriate at that time) started at my work, I found myself drawn to him, in a total fantasy sort of way. I remember referring to him as “eye candy” to a friend of mine. I had no intention of pursuing him, and was sure I only qualified as the frumpy chick in the office to him.

Helping with something at a coworker’s house, we found ourselves talking more than we ever had at work. Suprisingly, we had a lot to say to each other. He came to my house later to hang out (just hang out folks). He was sweaty from the work we had been doing, and I gave him an oversized t-shirt I had to borrow (there’s a point to me sharing this, I’m not trying to evoke sweaty images). Nothing ever happened that first night, but suddenly we were attached to some degree. He called every night, would come over about every other evening. My condition – No one at work would know. I wasn’t prepared to deal with that. The unfortunate part about being with him is I started drinking a lot (not typical for me), and smoking as well. He was into some drugs, I knew, but not around me.

At some point he said he had told one of our coworkers we were involved, which was equivalent to telling everyone I imagine, since word traveled fast there.

One day I called him, and he said we couldn’t see each other any more. He had just moved to the area, and was trying to straighten out some things in his life. Getting involved with a coworker was not conducive to doing that. I said fine, but would he stop by and bring back my shirt and a tupperware bowl that he had. He said he would come by after work. He did. We ended up drinking. A lot. But not more than I ever had before. Which was why what happened next never made sense. We were making some drinks, and I had to use the bathroom. I came back, and he had finished making the drinks. I remembered drinking them, but the next thing I remember is waking up. He was still there, right next to me. A few hours had passed, and I had no recollection whatsoever of the previous three hours. When I told him this, he laughed and said I must have blacked out, and would not tell me anymore. I had had more than that to drink on other occasions…It wasn’t a “black out” amount of drinking. To this day, I swear he put something in that drink, but I could never prove it. As I tried to sort out my thoughts, he said he had to leave. Trying to figure out what had happened, and remembering that the only reason he was there in the first place was to return my shirt and bowl I said “You didn’t bring my shirt.” He removed his shirt, threw it at me and said “You can have this shirt”, and left.

I had to face him the next day at work, and for many days and months after that. Never knowing what happened. Never knowing what he told the other coworker. Never knowing what others knew that I myself didn’t know. I never confronted him, because he made it clear when he laughed at me that night that he would not admit if he had done something. There was no “evidence” to make me think the worst had happened…But three hours of time missing that the other person won’t comment on made me feel something was way off. I felt humiliated, but I never knew if that feeling was justified.

I became very depressed. I dropped out of a few activities I was involved in. I only ever told one person when it happened, so no one understood the change. I think people knew something had happened, but they, like me, had no idea what. I never got involved with those activities/people again. Though they had nothing to do with any of it, somehow it just reminded me too much. I stopped drinking for a very long time and stopped smoking permanently. I will never again drink in excess. I started going to church again, which was probably the best possible thing I could have done for myself. I began to feel a little better…But I was still so down.

A few months later, the one friend who knew about it said she had a coworker whose sense of humor reminded her so much of me (apparently the OLD me), and that she would like to fix us up. I made it clear that I wasn’t interested. She asked if she could give him my phone number, and I grudgingly agreed. I started that relationship negatively. I had no hopes or desires for it to last. I’m sure I was a joy to that man (note sarcasm). Yet somehow, he stuck around. Somehow days and months went by…somehow I came out of that funk. Somehow I fell in love with him. Somehow I ended up married to him. That coworker was still around when I got married, though he’s long gone now. Somehow I was able to look him in the eye again and regained the pride I felt he had somehow taken. It turned out he didn’t take anything from me. I made some bad choices that led to whatever happened that night. I learned some things. I suffered a bit. In the end, I came out a better, more genuine person. I am so happy now, and I guess I wouldn’t change a thing, because if it weren’t for that night, I suppose I would likely not be where I am today. I would never again pretend to be someone I’m not…But now I am exactly who I want to be: Just me.
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10 Responses to >Blog Share: What I Didn’t Know

  1. Megan says:

    >Thank you for having the courage to share this with us.

  2. sognatrice says:

    >Wow on so many levels…for sharing, for expressing this so well, for learning from the experience, for moving past it, and most of all, for being you.Great, powerful post.

  3. lizgwiz says:

    >What a great ending to the story! Thanks for sharing it with us.

  4. Laura says:

    >FUCK! That is scary. Very glad you met a good. Very sorry you had to meet the other guy. The fact that guys like him exist get me steamed.

  5. Anonymous says:

    >That is such a scary story. And it could have happened to anyone. Wow. I am glad that you are ok. Such a good post!

  6. JayAre says:

    >This is a great post. I’m glad that you’re you now.

  7. nabbalicious says:

    >Wow, wow, wow. Wonderful post, and I’m so glad you shared it and that things turned out wonderfully for you in the end.

  8. >please convey my gratitude to your guest poster…this story is a very powerful one that i will share with my 18 & 19 y.o. daughters. i am so glad this woman came out on the other side of ugly to find real joy. she is very brave & her sharing is important.

  9. Cakelaw says:

    >That is an amazing story – more power to you for being strong enough to move on and discover your soul mate and to be yourself.

  10. Lara says:

    >Wow. What an a-hole. The amazing thing is that I had a similar experience (although, um, yeah…I still drink to excess) ;), which makes me wonder how many other women did as well. I’m so glad this story had a happy ending!

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