>For some reason I have felt the need to journal in the third person lately, allowing myself to be a character named only “she.” Somehow this outside perspective allows me to crystallize my thoughts and name things that from within are too murky. It’s odd, I’ll allow, but I’m honoring that need in myself… like in the earlier post which inspired such thoughtful comments from you lovely people. No, this wasn’t fictional – nor was it a thinly veiled reference to myself because I didn’t want you to know it was me. It’s just how it came out – and I loved it – so I left it. I was pretty certain you’d see through it. And you did, you clever people!
So, since then I’ve been trying to figure out how best to post about this whole conglomeration of experiences as the “big secret” has come out – with as much gut-level honesty as possible but also as much sensitivity to my family and my darling husband who very much values his privacy. Here is how I can manage it right now.
Things You Should Know About Me and This Blog:
- I am a compulsive spender and have done much to hide this from myself, my husband, and the world. The act of buying makes me feel better, more significant, safe. I don’t know why.
- I have joined Debtors’ Anonymous. I will share with you about this – probably a lot in that third person voice – but some of this will be fictionalized due to the promise of confidentiality within the group. I will not violate this by putting anyone’s personal life on show here.
- I have the most dear, marvelous husband ever. He has forgiven me worlds’ worth of transgressions in this – credit cards he knew nothing about, balances on cards he thought were zeroed out, borrowing money without his knowledge, hiding things, lying to cover my tracks… I am amazed that he can still love me like he does, with so much tenderness, despite all that I have done.
- I feel like an absolutely new person with this out. The release, the lack of constant anxiety over being found out, the ability to live without constantly spending has enabled me to uncover some pieces of myself which were buried in all that muck. It’s scary, but also very liberating and, overall, thrilling. Part of this is that I will no longer be using my nom de plume, but will go by simply my name, Elle. It feels better – less hidden, and that’s how I want to be.
- I am not perfecting this post before I publish it. This is a first draft type-and-hit-publish kind of post. First because I don’t want to overthink it and second because I am allowing myself that now. I wanted so many times to tell J about what was going on but I needed to appear perfect, to fix it all first. No more. Now you can all see me, warts and all.