>There has been much going on around here lately, though it probably hasn’t seemed so. I’ve been a woman in transition for what feels like (but assuredly isn’t) forever and, to be honest, I am a little tired out.
A month or so ago I decided to move myself off the “happy pills” I’d been on since shortly after Olive was born – I figured three years should really have been enough. And, well, it’s gone just fine – though I’ve felt pretty lethargic, I’ve packed on some pounds, and I’ve been uber emotional… crying at Hallmark commercial type things, where I find the tears slipping down my cheeks and think Really? I’m crying about this? What on earth? So, I’m trying to be gentle with myself. Not beat myself up about my lack of energy (though not letting it stop me, either), or feel silly about the spontaneous tears. Even better, I’m trying to not feel horrible about the fact that I had to go back up to the size-before-this-one jeans in the middle of a school Biggest Loser Challenge. Because really? It’s not the biggest deal.
Though, as a sidelight, I resolved today to no longer read those things on Facebook where your friends answer questions about you. There was a “new answer!” today and one of my friends was asked if they thought I had a nice body and they answered no. Which, okay, everyone has their own taste and I can’t expect that the whole world would’ve answered yes (would I have, even?), but in this fragile emotional state it was a silly kind of blow. So no more. If someone wants me to know what they think of me, they can tell me. Ah, social networking. You are your own whole ball of wax, aren’t you?
Ahem. Also, the hubs crashed and totalled car #2 (this happened last February, too) and flew to Miami this morning to go buy a new one (long story short – it’s a fabulous find of a car that was worth the cost of flying out & driving it back). At this moment he is visiting my New Yorker grandparents who went to Miami to winter and I am insanely jealous. One thing (I know I am genuinely sad about) that this emotional state has latched on to is missing my family, and him getting to see them while I don’t? Killing me. As did waking up at 4am to schlep him to the airport, Olive in tow, and then coming back home to sleep for another 45 minutes before getting up to get ready for work. Ugh.
There’s more, of course. But what has my mind whirling now is this: Yelp! A good friend gave me this link with a note that said it was a perfect Elle job and I read it and said “Holy smokes, Batman! It IS a dream job!” I started to primp my resume and then… kaput. Because I’m not certain that’s who I am anymore. Do I have that much energy? Do I have that much brainpower to deal with details and such (because I really do think I begat some of my brain cells to Olive in utero – I was smarter before that I swear). I don’t know if I’m much of a mover and a shaker at this point. Or if I want to be. And then a coworker said to me today that she keeps waiting for me to go back to school to do something else – something that uses my intelligence more – and I couldn’t help feeling like yeah, I’m waiting for that, too. But what? I don’t know. There are so many things I’m interested in and have little bits of talent at that I’m completely hopeless at focusing on one. And God knows I can’t afford to spend any more on school. So do I go for this job, put in my resume just to see what happens? I dunno.
In so many ways I feel like I don’t entirely know who I am in this space of time. It’s hopeful and scary and bufuddling. But it fits, since my word for this year is becoming. Becoming what, I don’t know. But I know I’m heading toward something – or it’s heading toward me.
Here’s to the journey, hey?
And in the meantime – here’s what I’m making for Olive & I to enjoy for dinner – simple, quick, luscious, and just treaty enough to feel like we’re spoiling ourselves while Daddy’s away. life is always better with syrup.