>I confess

>Home again home again jiggety jig… here we are, home from Wisconsin and the cheeseheads I’ve grown to love. Wisconsin is so fantastically gorgeous… there’s something about those rolling hills, ramshackle barns, and delightful little round hay bales in the midst of emerald fields that makes my heart do a little happy dance.

It was a relaxing few days, and in the moments of stillness I heard my little heart speaking to me, of things known and unknown to my conscious mind. Of butterflies and ceiling wax, of writing and loving and sofas and hometowns and books and dreams and longings. And, sadly, of jealousy.

See, what I heard that little birdie that speaks for my heart say is that part of what holds me back here is that I read all these other fabulous blogs and I think mine doesn’t look like theirs, it isn’t coming together for me the way it is for them, I can’t do it like that, I’ll never measure up. So I stop trying, or I try to mimic, or… I stew in jealousy over these people that I adore and admire and deeply respect and in some cases know and love. Because it’s all working for them… they’re known and loved and read and have these amazing relationships with other bloggers and they’re writing books and speaking at conferences and all these other things that I so want – and that I don’t begrudge them because they deserve them, truly they do… and oh, I SO don’t want to be that person. It makes me feel small and guilty and like I really don’t deserve those things in the first place.

So, what I’ve come to is that for me, in this space of time, I need to create a little cocoon, a little space of silence so that I can listen to what comes from me, from within. Which means that I am going to not open my lovely reader to see what you’ve posted. I’m not going to pop over to your blog. I might hide you on Facebook for a bit. Just a bit – until I feel stronger in my own voice and can come to yours as a fully supportive, loving person and friend. And I so hope that’s okay. And, if you want to, I’d still love for you to come by here and see what’s bubbling up. I think it should be pretty cool… and I’d love to have you along for the ride, friend.

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One Response to >I confess

  1. Allison says:

    >In the short time I've followed your writing I've been entertained and captivated and wanted to come back for more…keep going, you're doing great! I know exactly how you're feeling though. No one is judging, only waiting to see where you take us!

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